Okay, so I neglected this for a while, but I admit I was avoiding writing another blog until I knew what was going on. The last blog that I wrote was in April. I was talking about my experience with strep throat, and admitting that I wouldn’t be able to get back to work very soon. Now, it’s been four months, and a lot has happened. I’ll break it up into two parts: “Better!” and “...maybe not.”
Better:
So, come June, I was feeling great. I had been seeing a woman once a week in Seattle for vocal rehab all throughout May, and she had me working on things like vocal warm-ups and holding out long notes, to rebuild my voice stamina. My progress was a bit inconsistent, but always heading in the right direction. My doctor had given me permission to do small shows here and there as long as the rehab coach said I was ready, so once my voice was feeling stable, I tried it out. I even contacted my old band to make a video demo to get back on ships, and had a meeting with the guy who I was hoping would hire me. Finally, I started singing again. In the car to the radio (which I couldn’t do FOREVER) and with my friends, and finally, at my own show.
A local coffee shop called “Java” likes to have live music and they all know me over there, and were super accommodating to my easing into singing. The first show that I played was only 2 hours long, but everything felt perfect. I could belt with no strain and do everything! It took me a bit to get used to singing into a mic again, because I had gotten into the habit of touching the mic with my lips when I sing, and letting the mic do the work when I was unwell. It’s actually much healthier to sing with more air and volume, away from the mic, and my volume intimidated me initially, until I got used to it again. Feeling great after that show, I decided to do it again!
The coffee shop asked me back to sing for an event called “Car d’Alene”, a play on words of my town’s name, “Coeur d’Alene”. Anyway, point is, it was loud. Huge crowds of people out to see a parade of old school cars revving their engines right outside. It was fun! But... loud. I tried not to talk between songs unless I was in the mic, but it was still a bit more than I should have done. Plus, I did three hours this time. Singing was no problem. I felt a bit strained while talking, and a little fatigue near the end of my last set, but it wasn’t difficult to stay on key or anything. The next day my voice was a bit sore and hoarse, but it just reminded me to ease into things a little slower.
That was a Friday, and by the time I got to my June appointment in Seattle the next Monday, my throat was still tired. I made excuses like the dry air on the plane, and not remembering to grab a water bottle at the airport etc.. I also mentioned that I’d overdone it a bit at my show, but otherwise was hoping to be released for work. Well, not just hoping, I was confident about my progress... needless to say, it didn’t go as well as I’d planned.
....Maybe not:
So after scoping me, the doctor and vocal pathologist looked nervous. They told me that it was pink (my cyst removal site) when it shouldn’t be anymore. He thought that maybe my recovery was delayed due to my strep throat episode, and told me that I wasn’t ready at all to be released for work. He wanted to see me again in 3 months and told me to take it easy again. I argued that my voice was just tired from my show and that really, I’m actually better! I had a show scheduled for later that week and I knew I could do it! Then I cried. Haha. Poor doctors having to deal with my emotions... Dr.Merati was very sweet and understanding, handing me a tissue and changing plans. He said, “Okay I have an idea. Maybe you’re right and I’m not. You know your body better than I do. How about this... you go do your show, see how you feel. In a week or two give me a call. Maybe you’ll feel great and this is just a little fluke, ok? If so, I’ll have you come back in right away and check it out. If not, we’ll think of scheduling something later on.”
That made me feel a little better and I left in a super depressed mood, but still hoping for a quick recovery.
I did a little 2 hour show of soft songs later that week, and realized that Dr.Merati was right. Something was wrong. Crap. I e-mailed him and Ginger, the vocal pathologist and asked what to do. We scheduled an appointment in August and they told me to cross my fingers and toes. Ginger gave me permission to sing at a wedding at the end of July, but told me not to talk at the reception because it would be loud. In all other situations she said to only speak when I absolutely have to. Sooo back to square one. I had been soooo excited to be free again to speak and sing, and here I was caged up again. I had so much anxiety over it, that I didn’t know what to do.
Something else that I was worried about was getting well before I move. It would take a few more months, at least, before I could get approval to work, then a few more to fill a job opening, so I decided to do something else. Move to Argentina. Sounds random, but I had planned on this before, thinking I’d save up money from ships and then go. Now that my options were stay poor at my parents house in Idaho for six more months, or go be poor in Argentina for six months, I chose the latter. Soooo I was stressing over my sore voice, knowing I wouldn’t be able to see the doctor once I left. Was I making the right choice?
My voice sort of planed out over the next month. It was constantly sore and I was always trying to massage my throat and be extra careful to speak properly when I did speak. I made rules where I just plain didn’t speak at all in the mornings, and often times would go on vocal rest while hanging out with friends, or when family was visiting, I’d go sit inside rather than be out socializing with the company. At the wedding, I was extra careful, and as always, awkward because I would just stand around smiling like an idiot instead of contributing to the convo. Finally, the dreaded doctors appointment arrived, and I was prepared for the worst.
Sitting in the patient room, Ginger came in to have a chat before Dr.Merati scoped me. I explained to her in detail the pain. How my throat was always feeling so tight, and hurting, and suuuper tired. How I always had to massage it and how it felt impossible to speak without glottal attacks (the harsh sound, normally at the beginning of a vowel). She made me stop speaking properly, and told me to start over and just speak how I would if I were being lazy. It was difficult to allow myself to do that after being careful for so long, but when I did, she said that my natural, what I considered to be “unhealthy” voice, was better that my “healthy” voice. She concluded that I was probably over guarding my throat. Being so careful not to hurt it after my last appointment, apparently I had been tightening up the muscles in my throat and holding my stress in those muscles. I wasn’t breathing out when speaking due to all of my stress and it was making my voice fatigued.
Sure enough, when the doctor scoped me, they told me that it was looking better than ever. The flesh was nice and pale, and everything was right on track! Holy... relief. Oh my gosh, so funny because I was thinking, “How could I be getting worse? I’m the perfect patient! I do everything right!” Well, turns out I was trying too hard. Hah! Of course. Soooo now, it’s been a week since my appointment, and I’m doing better. I was doing MUCH better, but then I think I overdid it haha. It’s going to be a matter of finding the balance between relaxing, and relaxing too much.
I sang at an open jam, made some new friends and sang some more at a party. I sang at a wedding and now feel more light hearted after my last appointment. I’ll move to Argentina and see Dr.Merati when I get back in six months! He gave me the info of a doctor he knows there just in case, but doesn’t think I’ll need it. Still on my way, but definitely had a reminder that there isn’t a textbook recovery time. Life has it’s way of keeping me on my toes, and right now, I’m going to take it as a good thing.
