Men

So before my surgery, I had a week of vocal rest to see if I could get the cyst size to go down while taking steroids. Now that I’ve had my surgery, I’m of course back on vocal rest, but I just thought I’d share some stories about what I’ve already experienced. 

Here are a few examples of how men treat me when I go out without a voice (Attention men: I’m in bars in North Idaho here. I don’t believe you’re all like this.): 

I’ve had many types of responses when men approach me in bars. Typically when someone is trying to engage me in conversation, I point to my throat and give a kind of ‘sorry... I can’t talk!’ expression. One guy got really angry with me, assuming I was just using a crap excuse to be non confrontational, and said “Yeah! Okay! Fine. I get it.” And stomped away pouting as I just stood there shrugging. More often than not, the typical response was one of irrational excitement. In one particular instance I sat at a table playing a sort of charades game with one such man which actually started out fun. Then he followed me around all night talking about how mysterious I was and how much he loved that I couldn’t talk. Now... men. If you are reading this, I’m just gonna throw it out there. I know you’ll say anything to get in a woman’s pants, but telling her that you love that she can’t talk is less of a compliment and more of a sexist 1892 comment. Just sayin. Ever since that incident I’ve had many more like it. On New Years Eve I carried around a card with me so that when drunk men didn’t understand that I couldn’t talk, I’d show them the card that read: “I’m not ignoring you. I’m mute.” The answer to that every time... “I actually LOVE that!” 

I have a friend named Erin that I grew up with. We were next door neighbors since I was 5 and we know everything about each other. She’s usually the one who drags me out even thought I can’t drink or talk, so she therefore becomes my interpreter. On many occasions she’ll sit next to me as a guy asks me questions about myself, and she answers all of them for me! It’s pretty hilarious and sometimes Erin comes up with better answers than I would. On New Years Eve this year, my interpreter got extremely drunk and this was the result:

Me, being mute and Sober decides to sit and rest my feet. Erin who is wasted (and my interpreter) comes over to give me a friendly lap dance. A cute guy approaches:

Cute guy: Hey! My friend and I would like to buy you ladies a drink!

Erin: (very drunk) Nope! Sorry! We're both staying sober tonight. We don't drink!

Cute guy: Oh!

Erin: We're strippers!

Me: (trying unsuccessfully to get the guys attention and show that Erin's joking)

Cute guy: (surprised) Oh! Well... tell me a little about that. I don't usually go to strip clubs.

Me: (unsuccessfully attempting to show that I think that's a good thing.)

Erin: Yep! PLUS I have a boyfriend so sorry. Guess you're going to have to go find a single girl and give her a big kiss!

Me: (Trying desperately to signal that I'M single!)

Cute guy: (confused)

Erin: Okay! Good bye now! (ushers him away)

I will say in Erin’s defense that she was right about him anyway. I danced with him later for about two seconds before he thought it was appropriate to lift up my skirt and I had to slap him. I guess he believed her about us being strippers and thought I'd be used to it... 

Anyway, so that’s my experience with men in my world of silence so far. I’m sure there are going to be many more random stories to come. Wish me luck! :)