Reality

11 months. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve really been able to sing. My surgery was in January, and it’s now April. Although my doctor had said I would probably not be able to gig for 6 months after the surgery, I was going for 3. He said it’s possible, but not probable and I was out to prove that I could do it. I was a perfect angel throughout my pre surgery, post surgery, vocal therapy, and on the side. As it turns out, there’s more to a perfect recovery than perfect behavior.

By March, I could tell things were going to be more slow moving then I had hoped. Although I was doing everything right, it was still taking forever! I wanted to be singing by the end of March. I didn’t necessarily expect to be able to sing 4 hours a day (which is what’s expected for a solo act) but I thought a couple hours a few times a week at least. I was home doing the vocal warm-ups and exercises that had been given to me by the vocal coach in Seattle, and I officially graduated from vocal therapy! Every day I was doing these strengthening exercises but was surprised at how easily my throat was still tiring. I had hoped this process would go faster, but it was becoming painfully obvious that I had a long way to go. 

I did get to sing a little tiny bit. My vocal coach had said not to sing for more than 15 minutes at a time and to do very light singing if I did. That was going well and I actually recorded a little video to cheer my friend up. It wasn’t great, but it was a soft easy song. If you care to hear it, this is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBbSW9N7alk You can also hear how my speaking voice is in the beginning of the video. I find it annoying, but after 10 months of vocal therapy, that turns out to be my healthy voice so I need to get used to it. 

Soon after I recorded that video, I was waking up in the morning with vocal fatigue. Initially I thought I’d overdone it. Finally I was healthy enough to go out dancing and do a little drinking with my friends, and since it had been months and months since I’d been able to indulge, I took advantage of it. I still didn’t allow myself to speak in the bars, so the vocal fatigue was confusing me. Had I spoken without realizing it? Was my lip-syncing to the songs working the muscles too much? What had I done? Even though I had a few drinks, I always made sure to make drinking water a priority. Was I talking too much throughout the day with my friends? The confusion over my vocal pain gave me serious anxiety and I didn’t have my vocal therapist anymore to ask questions. I was supposed to be seeing the vocal coach in Seattle, but there was confusion on the insurance side of things and they were taking forever to figure it out. In the mean time, I was home with throat pain and nobody to comfort me about it or suggest solutions. It wasn’t long though, before the mystery was solved.

I had only been healthy enough to go out 2 weekends in a row. After the second weekend, my best friend Erin called me up with an urgent message. She told me to get the the doctor quick. We had been sharing drinks on and off over the last two weeks, and she was coming home from the doctor. Bronchitis. Knowing how important it is for my vocal chords not to cough, she wanted me to see the doctor as soon as possible to catch it early. I took her advice and rushed over to the urgent care. They did a few tests on me, and when the doctor came back in to discuss things with me, I apologized. I told him that I’ve never gone to the doctor feeling so healthy before, but I just wanted to be safe. He said that it’s lucky I came in, because my strep test came back positive. What?? Okay.... I’m a chronic strep throat girl, or, I was. As a kid it hurt but not too terribly, but in High School, I had it soooo badly that I was rushed to the hospital a few times, and I even had an IV in my hand at all times so that I could go to the doctor and have them hydrate me intravenously. I couldn’t eat or drink anything and I lost so much weight my pants were falling off. The worst part was the last day of every round of antibiotics, the infection would come back WAY worse than it was before. I think I had it four straight times before they finally took my tonsils out. After that, I never had strep throat again. You might imagine my surprise when I was expecting a bronchitis diagnosis and got a strep one instead with very little comparative pain. Thinking that I caught it early, I thanked my lucky stars and got antibiotics right away.

I wrote my doctor and vocal coach and asked what to do. They told me not to worry and that I’ll be better soon, but in the mean time I had to go on vocal rest until my symptoms were gone. Doh! Not again! Oh well. Small price I suppose. The only problem with that was that I didn’t really have symptoms! My throat was a bit sore and when I tried working out I got tired way sooner than usual, but other than that I felt better than ever. I decided to go on vocal rest until my throat wasn’t sore upon waking up in the morning which was about 3 days into my 10 days of antibiotics. Still, I kept talking to a minimum at first and didn’t do my strengthening exercises or singing. The second to last day of my treatment, I was feeling great so I did my warm-ups, and even a tiny bit of singing while I practiced guitar. That night, I wished I hadn’t. Again, I thought I overdid it. My throat almost felt swollen as I went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, I knew something was wrong.

History does repeat itself. On the last day of my antibiotics, I woke up with what felt like marbles in my throat. I knew from experience that my strep was back with a vengeance, worse than before.  Going straight to the urgent care, I found that my suspicions were correct. Positive for strep. While after my first visit I was excited to have caught it early, after this visit I felt a sense of dread. Now, instead of a few days lost in my progress, it’s going to be 20 days. I was given another 10 days worth of meds but the doctor didn’t seem confident that it would work. If my strep doesn’t go away this time... then what? They can’t take my tonsils out again! 

This is where I stand right now. I’m halfway through my meds, and my throat still hurts a little. I’ve wasted a month of progress and possibly even lost the progress I had made, taking me back to the beginning. I suppose this stands as a good reminder. My thought this whole time was that when I’m recovered from surgery, I’ll be able to sing every day again with no problems. It never occurs to me to factor in illness. Even when my throat is better and there’s no sign of the cyst, I need to remember that I’m not a machine. Some things are simply out of my control and the sooner I realize this, the better. As the month of April continues to pass me by one fast day at a time, I have to remind myself that working by April was an optimistic goal of mine. In the beginning I had said that I would like to be working by the end of March or April, but I’d understand if I wasn’t ready. It’s difficult to admit defeat and to realize that I’ll be jobless for a few more months than I had planned, but I suppose what matters is that one day I’ll be better. Even if that day isn’t here right now.